Love Is Not Rude!
A Bible teacher’s take on the current crisis of Christian manners
This article disputes the idea that it is ok for Christians to be rude. Bad manners are not trivial. Rudeness is hurtful to believers and a poor witness to the world. I am not talking about ordinary believers who are having a bad day. I am talking about emotionally abusive churchgoers who enjoy operating that way. I am addressing the careless, cruel, deliberate rudeness of many Christians, including some members of the clergy, who are humiliating and offending other believers as a form of self-amusement, bullying or self-glorification. Deliberately causing emotional distress to others is wrong.
There is absolutely no place for rudeness in the life of the Christian disciple. We are not Old Testament prophets or Jesus rebuking the Pharisees. We have no absolute spiritual authority. We have no right to take a whip to the Temple courts. We need to move in gentleness and meekness.
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (ESV) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant (5) or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (6) it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
The word “rude” in 1 Corinthians 13:5 is asxemoneo (ἀσχημονέω)– or “lacking good form, inappropriate, unseemly, to act unbecomingly, to be rude”. The rude person expresses themselves with utter disregard for others, for the culture, or for good manners.
Jesus described Himself as “meek and lowly of heart” (Matthew 11:29), and the most frequently mentioned emotion of Jesus is considerate compassion (Matthew 9:36, 14:14, 15:32).
A truly spiritual Christian will display the nine fruit of the Spirit which are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22,23). And the heavenly wisdom of God is pure, gentle and peaceable:
James 3:17-18 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. (18) And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
James condemns the way rich church members and the clergy were rudely treating the less fortunate:
James 2:1-4 My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory. (2) For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, (3) and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” (4) have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
Many rich, glamorous and famous people are rude to the poor and needy, and even to each other. But, is it “cool” to imitate that which is evil? It is “cool” to imitate bullies, to be sarcastic, to shun others and to put people down? Do not imitate evil, but rather imitate that which is good!
3 John 1:11 Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God. Since rudeness is the precise opposite of agape love, then deliberately rude and unloving pastors, deacons or elders are outside of God’s will! Christian leaders should be holy, considerate servants of God’s people.
1 Peter 5:3 not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.
Being loving kind and considerate is a hallmark of the true Christian: 1 John 4:8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love (see also 1 John 3:16-18).
If someone is inconsiderate, if they don’t care about how other people feel, if they only care about their own self-expression, then they are completely outside of Christianity with its central commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself”.
Romans 13:9-10 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (10) Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
And we all know the Golden Rule from the Sermon on the Mount:
Matthew 7:12 “So whatever (in all things) you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. If we want others to be kind and polite to us, then, in all things, we should be kind and polite to them!
None of these rude “Christians” want other people to be rude back to them. They want to be rude to others for the fun of it, but if someone was deliberately rude to them they would burst out in rage!
Putting off the Old Nature
The old nature and its lifestyle need to be put off!
Ephesians 4:20-24 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— (21) assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, (22) to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, (23) and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, (24) and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
We are to put away rudeness, uncouthness, cussing, coarse jesting, humiliating others, dominating others, and being emotionally cruel. We are to put on kindness, gentleness, meekness, graciousness, fitting speech, tactfulness, love and wisdom.
Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (31) Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. (32) Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
We don’t just put off the old self we must put off its practices as well, its culture, it habits, and its entire mode of being!
Colossians 3:8-10 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. (9) Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices (10) and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.
The Christian is a new person who is continually being renewed into the image of God, and our lifestyle and manners should demonstrate this! There needs to be repentance for rudeness. A “metanoia”, a complete change of mind and manners! New Christians should be discipled into the new graciousness of the Holy Spirit.
Being Like Jesus
Our mode of being should imitate that of Christ. In the Bible this is referred to as “walking”, it is the habitual tone of one’s existence.
1 John 2:4-6 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, (5) but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: (6) whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.
Galatians 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
The only way we can get out of the snare of our ego and into a Christ-like lifestyle is by the power of the Holy Spirit! Prayer, worship, reading the Bible, getting into some good, faithful Bible teaching, fellowship with good Christians, and daily asking to be filled with the Spirit will assist you in your spiritual growth. My brief book The Spiritual Continuum outlines the Spirit-Filled life.
Learning Graciousness
The best way to learn graciousness is by observing very well-mannered Christians in your culture and age group. Admire those who are admirable, watch how they handle social situations, observe how they manage stress and conflict, note how they make everyone feel comfortable and at ease. Then do as they do!
Hebrews 13:7 Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.
Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (9) What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
Even if you grew up in a rude and abusive family, it is up to you to break the cycle! I am not referring to crystal bowls and fish forks and fine etiquette. I am talking about your attitude toward other people.
Some tips:
- Don’t just blurt things out, pause your response, then filter your words
- Pray before you speak, pray for a long time before important meetings
- Let Scripture guide your words
- Most of the time there is absolutely no need to win the argument
- Assertively interrupting other people in order to assert dominance is wrong
- Try not to be dismissive of those you vehemently disagree with, see them as persons
- Put some time and effort into figuring out the nicest way to say things
- You are not God’s Sheriff, don’t go around unnecessarily correcting people!
- Be considerate, put yourself in their shoes
- Be courteous, do the small things that make people feel noticed
- Be kind and don’t be mean
- Don’t attack the self-worth of someone else
- Correct the problem without destroying the person
- Rage solves nothing
- Don’t go on power trips, don’t deliberately ignore people, don’t belittle people
- Don’t put people down for the sheer fun of it
- Don’t make people squirm, don’t victimize them, don’t be cruel
- Choose to make people comfortable, not uncomfortable, meet their small needs
- Don’t needle others or provoke them, or deliberately get under their skin
- Be hospitable, relaxed and easy-going, “hail fellow, well met”. Greet people cheerfully.
- Give people second, third and fourth chances
- Uproot all resentments and bitterness from you heart, forgive and forget, be Christlike
Conclusion
We are to be polite, not rude. We are to love our enemies, be kind to the ungrateful, be patient with the weak, and to associate with the humble and lowly. We are to put the character of Jesus on display!
Romans 12:16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
Image: Jason Leung
Christians are a new people, a new creation of God, with a new spiritual nature. We are called to a higher calling of agape love and love is not rude! Let us put on love, not haughtiness!
Colossians 3:12-14 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, (13) bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (14) And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
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Category: Living the Faith, Spring 2025
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