Healthy Leadership and the High Cost of Caring
Acceptance of these unrealistic job descriptions may mean that we have been put on a pedestal and we have to be very careful if we come to like the view from up there. It feels nice to be liked and wanted, but we cannot allow this to become our primary motivation for service or our sense of identity. Otherwise, in seeking the applause of men, we may allow others to define our calling and purpose. The Apostle Paul identified himself to the Corinthians as a “bondservant,” but note that it was for “Jesus’ sake” (2 Cor. 4:5). In other words, he was certainly there to serve the Corinthian church—not however, primarily for their sakes—but for and to his Lord. If we do not recognize this dynamic, it will catch us off guard whenever we experience the unwritten rule that we are not allowed to fail, hurt, or in essence, be human. Stress increases and so does our resistance to seeking counsel and help. The result can be a crisis of faith at both a personal level and within the ministry, because we have either not learned how to set reasonable boundaries with the people we lead, or we choose not to. Usually, the only one who really knows what is going on is the ministry leader’s spouse. Over time, the unrelenting stress can begin to erode the foundation of the marriage and family.
Several years ago, when my twin sons were still adolescents, I walked into our family room on a Saturday morning while they were lounging on the couch watching television. There, lying on the floor, was a dirty sock. It was obviously not Dad’s—I have normal feet, not landing strips. So, very nonchalantly I merely said, “Would one of you mind picking up the sock and tossing it into the laundry basket?” Thinking that the directive registered successfully and would be complied with, I proceeded to my office. Twenty minutes later, I came downstairs. No one had moved an inch. The television was still on. The sock was on the floor. If you are parent (which many ministry leaders function as in some respect), you understand what came next. I ratcheted things up into lecture mode and began to describe all the starving children in the world and how blessed they were to have a roof over their heads, food on the table, a bed to sleep in, etc., etc.—“Now please pick up the sock!” Certainly they understood now. I headed to the bedroom to shower and dress and thirty minutes later, walked back through the family room. The television was still on. The boys are nowhere to be found. A dirty sock…still sitting on the floor. What do we do? More often than not, we grumble, complain and then walk over and pick up the sock. The truth is that you and I have our own “dirty socks” and if we keep picking up everyone else’s, we become exhausted and they will never learn or grow. In time, we may become desperate for relief.
In my work with pastors and ministry leaders over the years, I have found several common outcomes that are frequently set into motion once they realize they may not be able to live up to the expectations that are set by others:
Developing a preoccupation with stress-producing people or situations. They remain in the intensity of the stress-filled environment and become adrenaline junkies—always moving, always busy, with the appearance of human doings rather than human beings—more on that later.
Indulging in escape behaviors for many of the same reasons other people do—they are tired of being discouraged, lonely, or in pain and their chosen path is a way to “self-medicate” via certain substances or behaviors, although usually in an unhealthy manner.
Avoiding intimate relationships with one’s spouse or close friends and substituting fantasy over reality. True relational intimacy requires time and effort and if a person is emotionally and spiritually drained, they are unable to make the necessary investment. Sexual addiction is now a national epidemic. It can be tempting to engage an image on a computer screen, because it is easy, there is an immediate emotional/physical reward, and there is little risk of failing or being rejected by that image.
Seeking to control everything and everyone as a means of coping. Many times, control is a survival tool we picked up along the way rather than a characterological disorder. If we have come to believe somewhere in life that we are powerless or have been hurt from repeated traumatic experiences, we may erroneously conclude that if we can just figure out how to control our environment and the people in it, we will somehow be safer. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case as most people do not respond well to excessive control.
Justifying actions by blaming other things and/or other people. Blame-shifting is an attempt, albeit with unintended negative consequences, to avoid responsibility and accountability. If I can make the issue(s) primarily about someone or something else, then I can more easily separate myself from the emotional and practical aftermath.
Choosing to simply quit or leave the ministry. The enemy of our souls would like nothing better than to notch another battlefield casualty. Sadly, the Body of Christ is the only army I know of that will shoot its own wounded, often burying them before they die. Sometimes, we do our firing squads in circles—everyone gets shot and this grieves the Holy Spirit deeply. So what are the consequences of stress overload? Dr. Hans Selye, a Canadian endocrinologist who is considered as the “father” of stress research, began to define the phenomenon during the mid 1930’s in terms of what he called the General Adaptation Syndrome. The normal pattern is for the body to cycle through a three-step process: alarm, resistance, and exhaustion. He went on to define stress as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand.”1 Think about that statement for a moment. The implication here is that almost any demand placed on the body (including the mind and spirit in my opinion), has the potential to create a stress response.
Category: Fall 2011, Ministry, Pneuma Review
Followers
Fans
